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Today, an exchange student was telling us how he once used a black light to detect semen stains on his "abstinent" ex-girlfriend's face. I called him out on the obvious lie, saying it's an old urban legend. He wigged out, screamed that I'm a "bastarding shite-wank" and ran out of class. FML

#19573864
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18776) - you deserved it (4700)

On 05/04/2012 at 5:53pm - intimacy - by Garry (man) - United States

Today, while on a date with the guy of my dreams, I cut my tongue so bad it bled for an hour. I managed to cut it on the plastic spoon from my coffee. FML

#1689
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18769) - you deserved it (2422)

On 01/19/2009 at 12:32am - health - by spoony - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I chuckled about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

#253814
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18768) - you deserved it (42460)

On 03/09/2009 at 6:45pm - work - by ADH2000 (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

#13762185
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18767) - you deserved it (2933)

On 11/08/2010 at 5:32am - misc - by facingit (man) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

#19015871
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18761) - you deserved it (1723)

On 02/07/2012 at 1:38am - misc - by whyme (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

#19400366
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18760) - you deserved it (3730)

On 04/03/2012 at 10:16am - health - by Anonymous - Australia (Victoria)

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

#17716770
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18760) - you deserved it (12149)

On 09/11/2011 at 1:58am - misc - by dangit (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I bought a new purple shirt and decided to wear it to this charity function I was going to. I thought I looked pretty good in it. Then I got home and realized I left the sticker on. I had an "XL" sticker on my boob all night. FML

#865934
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18758) - you deserved it (42949)

On 04/08/2009 at 1:38am - misc - by jessica238 (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

#19643133
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18758) - you deserved it (8544)

On 05/18/2012 at 6:20pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United Arab Emirates (Dubai)

Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

#19462191
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18757) - you deserved it (3990)

On 04/13/2012 at 5:10pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

#20129768
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18752) - you deserved it (3769)

On 10/23/2012 at 12:01pm - misc - by afraidofcans - United States (Virginia)

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, that's she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

#8270152
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18751) - you deserved it (4888)

On 02/14/2010 at 9:54pm - love - by britney - Canada (Quebec)

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

#15576968
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18748) - you deserved it (14372)

On 03/31/2011 at 4:53pm - health - by BudmaudeY (man) - Sweden (Skane Lan)



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  • Oi! Stop "playing" that digeridoo and get out! There, now that I've tidied up my apartment, we can begin. How are you all doing? Have you got your leather jacket out of storage to go hang out down at…

Thursday 22 January 2015

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