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Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

by haunted / 10/23/2015 at 4:41pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 11/28/2009 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

by Alex Andreas / 07/01/2015 at 11:10pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Animals

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/20/2012 at 7:57am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Animals

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

by RosesAreRed / 02/14/2010 at 1:52pm / United States (South Carolina) / Love

Today, I talked to my mom about hanging out with her. She got out her phone to schedule an appointment. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2011 at 12:17am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got up the courage to quit my first job. I spent hours determining the most professional way; the method, and the wording I would use. In the middle of the phone call, my manager hung up on me. FML

Today, my boss told me I have to start work 4 hours early tomorrow, because that my coworker, who happens to be his son, will not be coming in because he's "too tired". I work 10 hours a day, 6 days a week without complaining. His son works two 4-hour shifts a week. FML

by nepotwatism @ its finest / 09/23/2015 at 11:05am / Sweden (Hallands Lan) / Work

Today, I realized I apologize too often as I said I was sorry to my boyfriend as he broke up with me. I apologized for being sad and making him feel bad. FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2015 at 12:39am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

by jam / 02/11/2012 at 2:03am / Australia / Transportation

Today, I admitted to my parents that I have an eating disorder. Instead of trying to help, my mom stared at me and said, "Duh". FML

by Hungrey / 05/28/2012 at 9:38pm / United States / Health

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

by Anonymous / 10/25/2012 at 3:43pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

by Anonymous / 03/31/2012 at 11:10am / United States / Intimacy