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Today, after working a double shift, I got home to total pandemonium. My dogs had crapped all over the house, my kitchen was soaking wet, etc. My mother, who just moved in with me, was sitting on the couch, saying she had no idea what happened. FML

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

#2418263
461 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24948) - you deserved it (238923)

On 05/29/2009 at 11:04pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I got a spray tan for the first time. Naked, I climbed into the booth. When the machine started I became frightened by the loud roar of the spray and couldn't breathe. I pissed myself out of fear. I now have river-like streaks down both legs where the pee washed my tan away. FML

#1246949
274 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24947) - you deserved it (88748)

On 04/23/2009 at 1:44am - health - by tgstreaks (woman) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, I realised that I've been deployed for far too long, when I caught myself looking down the cleavage of a mannequin wearing a bathing suit. FML

#19678152
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24948) - you deserved it (2954)

On 05/25/2012 at 12:03pm - misc - by Lonely_Army (man) - Qatar

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

#17614245
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24946) - you deserved it (2923)

On 08/29/2011 at 6:05pm - work - by dck128 - United States (Tennessee)

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

#21462968
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24945) - you deserved it (2259)

On 08/31/2015 at 12:27pm - misc - by NoFunForMe - United Kingdom (Bristol, City of)

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

#21464468
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24946) - you deserved it (2642)

On 09/04/2015 at 10:30am - misc - by fuckyoudeadgunnuts (man) - United States (California)

Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel that is supposed to prevent razor burn after shaving the bikini line. Turns out I'm highly allergic to the gel. Now I have hundreds of beautiful red bumps that look like razor burn. FML

#12989676
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24942) - you deserved it (4258)

On 09/10/2010 at 12:13pm - health - by moncheri1314 - Sent from mobile version

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

#19289453
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24942) - you deserved it (13042)

On 03/16/2012 at 4:23pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Ireland

Today, it's been two weeks since I got married. It's also two weeks since my husband got cold feet about moving in together, because he thinks the sudden change would be too emotionally distressing for his cat. FML

#21495373
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24940) - you deserved it (2864)

On 11/22/2015 at 1:10am - love - by unimpressed bride (woman) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

#18984766
126 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24940) - you deserved it (3441)

On 02/03/2012 at 3:47pm - misc - by tooembarassed - United States

Today, I paid $70 to learn from the vet that my cat doesn't have a UTI, he's just developed a fetish for peeing on plastic bags. FML

#18034258
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24937) - you deserved it (2772)

On 10/20/2011 at 9:13pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I found out that my lovely amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles and out of my window. FML

#19514885
186 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24937) - you deserved it (3499)

On 04/23/2012 at 12:44am - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States



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