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Today, I had surgery on my arm. My mom has recently had the same surgery and my dad is having his first rib removed and won't be able to move his arm. My family combined now has three functioning arms. FML

by Anonymous / 11/01/2012 at 1:08am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2015 at 3:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2010 at 8:53pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I was half asleep and tried to cuddle my husband as we slept. Still dreaming, he yelled for me to leave his money alone. FML

by atsukobo / 03/10/2012 at 1:04am / United States / Love

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 10:57am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

by deucelututi / 05/31/2009 at 8:03am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

by whydoihavecats / 08/04/2015 at 3:19pm / United Kingdom / Animals

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

by facepalming all the way / 07/19/2015 at 2:02am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2015 at 10:29am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

by kernewek / 05/26/2011 at 5:26pm / United Kingdom (Dorset) / Work

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

by Matt / 10/05/2011 at 6:49am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I coughed so much I threw up, then whilst recovering from throwing up, a fly flew into my mouth and I ate it. I then promptly threw up again. FML

by laurenmichela / 10/12/2015 at 5:47pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

by jam / 02/11/2012 at 2:03am / Australia / Transportation