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Today, I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. The principal came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. FML

#1163738
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101817) - you deserved it (4681)

On 04/20/2009 at 7:05pm - intimacy - by seriously (woman) - Canada (Nova Scotia)

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

#711978
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101694) - you deserved it (5288)

On 03/30/2009 at 9:13pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maine)

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

#259526
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101684) - you deserved it (6336)

On 03/10/2009 at 7:55am - work - by SalonGirl (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

#3951718
336 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101614) - you deserved it (15897)

On 07/22/2009 at 1:13pm - misc - by sadinseattle (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML

#818670
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101407) - you deserved it (34670)

On 04/05/2009 at 3:15pm - intimacy - by dfhgblsf (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

#415809
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101388) - you deserved it (45815)

On 03/17/2009 at 4:40pm - intimacy - by MrAwsum (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

#2593679
339 comments

I agree, your life sucks (101106) - you deserved it (6389)

On 06/04/2009 at 8:17am - kids - by Kimmiko (woman) - Germany (Niedersachsen)

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

#1475215
197 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100941) - you deserved it (16291)

On 04/29/2009 at 10:03pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I gave a campus tour to a group of high school seniors. As I was showing off the dorms, one student asks, "Are these beds sturdy enough for threesomes?" Before I could respond, another kid shouts, "How would he know, I bet the only action he gets in bed is from his left hand." She's correct. FML

#553783
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100907) - you deserved it (10794)

On 03/23/2009 at 2:52pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML

#4488799
187 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100832) - you deserved it (5015)

On 08/12/2009 at 11:13pm - intimacy - by JPF (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

#11983627
260 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100739) - you deserved it (5845)

On 07/19/2010 at 1:36pm - love - by betrayed (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I found out that Yale had actually accepted me seventeen years ago. My mother apparently burned my acceptance package and letters because she didn't want me to upstage her UChicago degree. FML

Today, I went to the dentist. He asked me to lean my head closer to him so he could get a better look at my teeth. He was hard. FML

#481871
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (100463) - you deserved it (5629)

On 03/20/2009 at 12:33am - misc - by rmb131 (woman) - Canada (Alberta)



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