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Sunday 1 May 2016

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Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

by Katt / 04/25/2016 at 2:04pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2016 at 1:32pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

by Stalked / 04/29/2016 at 4:49am / Czech Republic (Jihomoravsky kraj) / Love

Today, I went to the dentist; no one was in the waiting room so I danced around and mouthed songs that were on the radio. It wasn't till after I went to the counter and saw the receptionists laughing like a pack of hyenas that I realized there was a camera. FML

by shit / 04/28/2016 at 7:05am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

by AintEasyBeinWheezy / 04/28/2016 at 2:26pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

by anon / 04/27/2016 at 12:13pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my second day at my new job as a bank teller. I got locked in the vault while alarms were being tested. I was in there for an hour and none of my coworkers had even noticed that I'd gone missing. Gee, thanks. FML

by heymacie / 04/28/2016 at 9:41pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

by Nasty / 04/25/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML

by brandogg / 04/29/2016 at 8:11pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, I missed an interview to work in a school as a teacher's assistant because the email inviting me to attend got buried among the spam emails. Oh well, back to my usual job as an assistant janitor. Yes, that's right, assistant janitor. It's the same job as a real janitor, but for less pay. FML

by oh, feck off / 04/27/2016 at 9:02am / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Work

Today, I had to explain to my seventeen year-old daughter that deep frying food doesn't "melt the calories." FML

by DeepFriedLettuce / 04/28/2016 at 9:33pm / United States (Washington) / Kids

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

by Dramaqueenfornothing / 04/27/2016 at 6:32pm / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2016 at 6:39am / United States (California) / Work