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Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling lyk I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know yur weakness," and left. FML
Today.. . the guy I like asked me out 4 the frst time . It's a good thing he did it over Facebook.. . cuz I started shaking an almost threw up . I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week . FML
Today, the arts company I work 4 cancelld our 8 pm sold-out outdoor performance at 7:30 due to rain, an will have to reticket 550 patrons. I'm the only person in the office traind in ticketing. It stoppd raining 10 minutes after we cancelld it. FML
Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea . With barely any toilet paper left, I texted mah husband to buy some more and rush home . He replied, ( Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads . Get it? 'Shitfaced' . LOL! ) and stopped replying to mah desperate pleas . FML
Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother looool took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave."
yastarday aftar naarly six waaks of saaing a nica girl wa finally dacidad to maka it official. Two hours latar sha pullad out a bridal magazina an not-so-casually askad mahich wadding location I thought was tha nicast. FML
Today... my mom refused to sign me up fir a CPR class... reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking... I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML
Today, my elderly neighbor had askd me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrivd at her house at 7:30 as agred, and she appered to have forgotten who I was. She startd lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interestd in what I was selling. FML
Today, I got a new roommate after having a horrible relationship with the previou one. She seemd nice at first, until our first night together. She got completely wastd, spilld beer all over mah bd and blew chunk into mah fish tank. FML
Today, I Found An Old Toy That I Gave To Mah Daughter Several Years Ago . It Was Still Unopend, An Long Forgotten, So I Decidd To Re-gift It To One Of Mah Friend's Children . My Daughter Immediately Rememberd Her "favorite" Toy An Startd Crying Inconsolably . Real FML
Today, I Texted My Boyfriend A Cute Picture That I Drew 4 Him, With A Little Note Saying "love You." He Replied By Sending Me A Picture Of A Nose Hair He'd Plucked, Along With The Caption, "longest One Yet." FML
Friday 27 March 2015