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Thursday 20 December 2012

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Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

by Igor / 12/19/2012 at 12:16am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

by DarkDisaster / 12/27/2012 at 5:16am / United States / Animals

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

by Anonymous / 12/24/2012 at 8:31pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

by futuregigolo / 12/21/2012 at 7:11pm / United States (Colorado) / Money

Today, I was wrapping presents for my daughter, trying to be really quiet. Behind me, the cat decided to climb the tree, which then fell on top of me and I couldn't move. My daughter had to help me up. She now knows everything she's getting for Christmas this year. FML

by Christmas sucks / 12/23/2012 at 8:03pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

by FuckMyEyes / 12/25/2012 at 8:49pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

by CambodianAsshole / 12/25/2012 at 1:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

by unknown / 12/17/2012 at 6:37am / Canada / Kids

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

by bob / 12/17/2012 at 1:16pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Money

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

by Mandy93 / 12/20/2012 at 8:57am / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

by ugh / 12/26/2012 at 9:05am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

by Johnny / 12/19/2012 at 6:33pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

by idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch / 12/18/2012 at 4:44pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation