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May 2016

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Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

by Anonymous / 05/25/2016 at 12:38pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

by Incompetent / 05/02/2016 at 8:27am / Pakistan (Punjab) / Work

Today, for Mother's Day, I surprised my Mother with the news I that I'll be visiting in June. The last time we got to visit was 4 years ago, we live 4000 miles apart and it's a very expensive trip. She said, "No, come next June, I want to lose some more weight before seeing you." FML

by Anonymous / 05/08/2016 at 11:02pm / Canada (Northwest Territories) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my whole family has been mistakenly using the same toothbrush for over a month. FML

by aggghghgh / 05/14/2016 at 4:51am / Health

Today, I took my neighbor, who lives alone, to the hospital as she was complaining of stomach pains. Being a healthcare professional, all signs pointed to appendicitis. We waited for 6 hours to be told she needed to poo. FML

by chocolateteacup / 05/06/2016 at 5:30am / Australia (Victoria) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

by Beefy Man / 05/13/2016 at 3:33am / United States (Utah) / Money

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

by The_Waffle / 05/14/2016 at 1:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Animals

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

by are you kidding me? / 05/16/2016 at 5:24pm / United States (Florida) / Work

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

by ReboundGrl / 05/23/2016 at 2:44pm / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

by WeighYourWords / 05/03/2016 at 7:12am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Work

Today, my parents "suggested" I help them move house. I didn't realize that meant I would be carrying every stick of furniture out of their house. The muscles in my arms are so tight now that I can't straighten them. I can't wait to help them unpack tomorrow. FML

by Pain / 05/06/2016 at 7:34am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I started dating my best friend, who is Hispanic. I told my family the good news and all my father had to say to me was, "I will allow you to date him, but you should really think about settling with someone your own kind." FML

by Carrie_Chaos / 05/23/2016 at 4:16pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I have been in my "office" for 6 weeks. It is literally a closet. I was reminded of this fact when a janitor walked in without knocking, carrying empty boxes he intended to store. FML

by claustrophobic / 05/04/2016 at 3:03pm / United States (Maryland) / Work