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January 2013

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Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2013 at 12:15pm / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, while moving into my new place, I saw my new, elderly neighbor sitting on her porch. I cheerfully greeted her with, "Hello, how are you?" She simply rocked slowly in her chair and replied, "Just waiting to die." She was the most cheerful person I met all day. FML

Today, after 3 years with my dream girl, I decided to pop the question by making her complete a scavenger hunt ending in her finding me, suit and everything, by the park bench where we had our first kiss. She came home tired and, instead of following the clues, decided to watch TV all day. FML

by ItRainedOutside / 01/06/2013 at 3:49am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, the lead singer of the band I recently joined blatantly admitted to a fan that the only reason he let me in was because I'm "so fuckin' ugly" that I make the rest of them look "ten times better" in comparison. FML

by sad drummer / 01/17/2013 at 3:50pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

by dani0810 / 01/22/2013 at 6:39am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

by thanksbabe / 01/12/2013 at 1:32am / United States / Love

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

by Job Seeking / 01/22/2013 at 6:14am / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I made my first snowman ever, and then cried when my big brother kicked it to pieces. I'm 27. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2013 at 7:17pm / United Kingdom (Kent) / Miscellaneous

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML

by Anonymous / 01/27/2013 at 1:03am / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

by IvyLeague? / 01/14/2013 at 9:52pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

by really?!? / 01/25/2013 at 10:49am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2013 at 6:35pm / United Kingdom (Somerset) / Love

Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML

by kblevss / 01/05/2013 at 4:21am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy