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Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

#833140
239 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20081) - you deserved it (155731)

On 04/06/2009 at 10:42am - money - by brhorton02 (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

#18252
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14359) - you deserved it (155334)

On 02/09/2009 at 7:41pm - misc - by Dulieu (man) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I was pulled over by a motorcycle cop for speeding in a 25 MPH zone. As the cop was walking towards my car, I flicked my cig-bud out of my window. So, the cop did me the pleasure of writing me two tickets instead of one. FML

#51182
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11114) - you deserved it (155142)

On 02/16/2009 at 1:52am - misc - by Dani_Rich - United States (California)

Today, my girlfriend found my list of women I've had sex with, complete with the ratings I'd given them. The list is in chronological order. She's not only not the highest rated, she's not last on the list. FML

#20024660
528 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11603) - you deserved it (154818)

On 08/16/2012 at 3:36pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was at a sandwich shop and couldn't help but secretly remove a loose hair from a girl standing in front of me. I yanked it and she instantly began screaming and crying. It was in fact a very long mole hair. The thing started bleeding like a gunshot wound. My apologies went unnoticed. FML

#532942
339 comments

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

#5912025
235 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6984) - you deserved it (152056)

On 10/20/2009 at 12:05pm - misc - by stick (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

#2234853
433 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20163) - you deserved it (150087)

On 05/24/2009 at 5:49am - misc - by AyoitsSteveo (man) - United States (California)

Today, I became a father. Unfortunately, my wife found out. FML

#19253868
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10155) - you deserved it (149698)

On 03/10/2012 at 9:16pm - misc - by Major3 (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I called my husband and he told me that he was going to invite his friend Jeff over that night. I told him I would prefer that he didn't come over. He took it to mean that I wanted to spend time with him and came home with flowers. Then had to tell him I was leaving him. FML

#1212600
223 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16688) - you deserved it (147504)

On 04/21/2009 at 11:24pm - love - by kellym (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

#2026481
440 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33781) - you deserved it (146854)

On 05/17/2009 at 7:40pm - animals - by sucks (man) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

#798927
166 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20078) - you deserved it (146224)

On 04/04/2009 at 12:15pm - misc - by ohshittttttt (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I went to the store to buy groceries. I didn't care how I looked, so I wore an old shirt that said, "Thousands of my potential children died on your daughter's face last night." I ran into my girlfriend's parents at the store. FML

#2244608
455 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42314) - you deserved it (145625)

On 05/24/2009 at 3:50pm - misc - by helloitsbrian6969 (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

#1879175
375 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27715) - you deserved it (145515)

On 05/12/2009 at 6:05pm - health - by Loser (man) - United States (New York)



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