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Today, I had to listen to a girl who just came back from the bathroom, talk about the "gigantic massive dump" she took, and even held her hands up to show the size. FML

by Grossed_out / 03/04/2010 at 10:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

by Anonymous / 06/22/2012 at 10:11am / United States / Transportation

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

by oink oink fuck off / 07/29/2012 at 2:49pm / United Kingdom (Doncaster) / Kids

Today, I was walking around my college campus when someone asked me if I had gotten separated from my tour group. He didn't believe me when I said I was a student there. This happens all the time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2014 at 11:29pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him. When I happily told my dad, he kept asking if I'd consider taking back my ex. FML

by nyx / 09/27/2014 at 4:16am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

by void bowels() { cry(); } / 11/26/2014 at 3:45pm / United Kingdom (Caerphilly) / Transportation

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

by better late than never / 05/08/2015 at 5:32pm / Health

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

by Dude / 04/02/2009 at 1:36am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I checked my email after a week of no cell reception or internet while I was stuck at a family holiday cottage. There was an email offering me the RA job I've been trying to get for almost a year, telling me congratulations and to reply by Friday if I accepted. Last Friday. FML

by Humbug / 12/26/2009 at 7:34pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I discovered a bat in my new apartment. I found him in my shoe... with my foot. FML

by Bruce / 08/17/2010 at 1:09pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

by Forded / 09/01/2010 at 7:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

by anonymous / 06/07/2012 at 7:00am / United States / Animals

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

by / 04/01/2013 at 10:50am / United States / Love