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Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

by poopcoloredeyes / 10/31/2011 at 4:06pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

by Millian2 / 04/07/2012 at 10:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

by theuglyfriend / 07/17/2012 at 2:09am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

by BadLuckCarson / 02/12/2013 at 12:55am / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, I've invited friends and family to my birthday party. I've also come home to find that my parents didn't pay the water bill. I either have to tell everyone I know that they are uninvited or not to take dumps in my house. FML

by sammyducks227 / 11/08/2013 at 2:49am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, a customer cussed me out for hiding behind the counter a jacket she's been "eyeing since it came out". She loudly exclaimed that she was going to report me to my manager and get me "fired." It was my personal jacket that we don't even sell. FML

by ktmla / 05/11/2014 at 12:13am / United States (Florida) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

by axewoman / 10/17/2014 at 4:14am / Love

Today, I was walking behind my mother when she was mowing the lawn. She unknowingly mowed over a wasps' nest that was in the grass. Guess who the wasps decided to seek revenge on. FML

by WCARlover / 06/19/2015 at 11:43pm / United States (Maine) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

by mrrichkid / 03/05/2010 at 8:05pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

by worstfatherever / 07/10/2011 at 4:54pm / United States / Animals

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

by wow kid just leave me alone / 09/14/2012 at 8:03pm / United States / Love

Today, I was dismissed from my job at an unemployment agency. In order to receive financial support from the government I need to be cooperating with a job service provider. They paired me up with the same place I was just fired from. FML

by awks / 03/31/2014 at 8:43pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss requested that I re-organize every file in the office, because she wanted the filing cabinets alphabetized right to left, not left to right. To thank me, she came into my office to give me one uncooked ear of corn. I think my boss has mistaken me for some kind of farm animal. FML

by ST3PH / 07/09/2009 at 3:17pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work