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Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

by nicooolea / 03/03/2009 at 3:26am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

by SCREWED / 07/15/2011 at 2:25am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2013 at 6:22pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Kids

Today, I checked in a group of men from Mexico. I speak just enough Spanish to realize they're discussing my breasts. I have to stand there smiling while checking in three more people. FML

by Spanishredhead / 10/03/2009 at 6:31am / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

by flimflam / 09/02/2010 at 1:39pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

by Kristin / 01/02/2011 at 11:14pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

by Average / 02/13/2011 at 2:16am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2013 at 2:47pm / Isle of Man / Kids

Today, a customer kept harassing me and threatening to sue me for all I'm worth because I wouldn't give her a free refill. Her reasoning was that it's "illegal" to deny people a free refill if there's still a little drink left in the cup. FML

by goshoveafuckingfrappuccinoupyourvagyoupsychocunt / 09/07/2013 at 5:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, my grandmother is coming over to my family's house to stay for about a week or so. Apparently, the guest room window isn't big enough for her dream catcher, so she wants her cat to sleep in the guest room and she wants to sleep in my room. My parents support this. FML

by themonesterman / 04/02/2014 at 10:25pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

by Anonymous / 12/20/2014 at 5:42pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids

Today, my parents met my girlfriend for the first time and cooked us dinner. After, I was helping clean up in the kitchen and my dad says to me, "Don't worry, you have to slay a couple of dragons before you get to the princess." and winks at me. She heard. I was going to propose to her tonight. FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2009 at 12:12am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

by timmynotjimmy / 10/27/2009 at 9:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy