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Today, my mother and father are insisting that I go on a date with a German exchange student they met on the weekend. Why? Because we have similar glasses. FML

by Foureyes / 08/23/2009 at 9:29am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

by Ned / 08/29/2009 at 7:36pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, during my first date with a girl I've liked for awhile, she tells me about some minor disabilities she was born with. Wanting to be honest with her too, I tell her I'm slightly autistic. Her response was, "I'm sorry this isn't going to work. I can't date a retard." I had to eat alone after that. FML

by DyingPlants / 10/09/2011 at 11:27pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my roommate came back drunk from rushing fraternities. Normally I wouldn't have minded, had he not immediately pissed and thrown up everywhere after entering the room. If only I had moved my guitar and the suitcase full of clothes I had left out after returning from break. FML

by EsotericBrent / 01/09/2013 at 1:50am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Holidays

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

by TextsAlot / 08/26/2010 at 12:08am / Canada (Manitoba) / Love

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

by Anonymous / 10/13/2010 at 12:12am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

by unlucky / 04/20/2013 at 5:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, we had to have our vet put our horse down. Afterwards we were discussing burial options. We then find the cat with a broken neck. Had to have her put down also. Now we have animal services questioning us for animal abuse. FML

by farmwithnobarn / 05/30/2009 at 1:48am / United States (Florida) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

by ShayisPay101 / 02/15/2010 at 1:58pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

by jolene11 / 05/16/2010 at 10:24pm / United States / Love

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

by anime_love / 09/17/2010 at 12:43am / United States / Love

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

by Alanis / 07/20/2012 at 9:59pm / United States / Love

Today, I received a slip through my door saying that the package I'd ordered couldn't be delivered today because no-one was home to sign for it. I got the slip just in time to watch the guy who put it through my letterbox get in his van, look me in the eye and drive off. FML

by JACKxRAWR / 05/18/2013 at 5:41am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous