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Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:09pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous

Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML

by seethroughpee / 05/06/2015 at 1:22am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, I offered my seat to an elderly lady on the subway. She quietly refused. Minutes later on a sharp turn, she almost fell down on two people. Clearly the youngest in the disability seating section, everyone on the train turned and glared at me. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2009 at 12:42am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I found out that instead of being stationed in Afghanistan, my husband of 9 years has been "stationed" at his other girlfriend's house. FML

by AlwaysGottaFML / 08/20/2011 at 3:26am / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I was on the subway head bobbing to my favorite track when the guy across from me gets up, punches me in the face and says, "Don't nod at my wife like that." FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2012 at 6:17am / United States / Transportation

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

by WTF? / 10/03/2013 at 12:42pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

by flatchested Sam / 11/30/2013 at 7:16pm / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, at a paintball match, my boyfriend shot me between the legs and asked, "Still want kids now?" FML

by maybe? / 02/11/2015 at 11:11am / Germany (Hamburg) / Kids

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

by testom / 04/17/2015 at 2:15pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Love

Today, I ran sound for my ex's wedding rehearsal since I was the only sound tech in town. Her dad was late for the rehearsal, so the pastor had me to walk her down the aisle. FML

by d.stack / 08/12/2009 at 7:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 5:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

by me / 09/07/2011 at 7:53pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

by Patrick / 10/14/2012 at 12:39am / United States (Louisiana) / Animals