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Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2015 at 10:42pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

by ladyhead / 12/18/2008 at 11:30am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull) / Work

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

by fmjob / 08/16/2009 at 11:19pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

by wittlegirl / 07/13/2011 at 2:16pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got my first driving lesson from my dad. We traded seats, I started the car and his entire lesson was, "Go." FML

by Maggie / 12/10/2011 at 11:45am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2012 at 3:06pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I signed a two-year lease on a house. My next-door neighbor said she's in love with me, threatened my girlfriend, and won't stop blasting Taylor Swift. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2013 at 12:28am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

by chumpslolo / 07/25/2013 at 6:55am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

by brycepetrillo / 09/07/2013 at 12:08pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2015 at 12:34am / Work

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

by mybfthecrossdresser / 01/20/2015 at 10:08am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2015 at 12:48pm / United Kingdom (Norfolk) / Animals

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She told me that her father didn't approve of me and forced her out of the relationship. Her father died 2 years ago. FML

by nadette / 05/25/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (California) / Love