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Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

by icanthearyou / 04/04/2013 at 7:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I found out that, given the correct velocity, a used condom can actually fly through a tiny window and slap you on the leg. I also found out that when you go to the window to yell at the perpetrator, they might have more ammunition. FML

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2010 at 8:10pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

by Hm / 02/07/2010 at 11:03pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

by Laurendorcus / 03/14/2010 at 7:13pm / Work

Today, I found out that my mother in-law's flight home is canceled, and that she's staying three more days. FML

by Anonymous / 12/28/2010 at 1:21am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2013 at 2:32pm / Lithuania (Kauno Apskritis) / Love

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

by kay-z / 06/21/2014 at 4:32pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my little sister thought it'd be cool to pierce my nose while I was asleep. FML

by NoseInPain / 08/20/2009 at 10:17am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

by whoawhat / 11/11/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Oklahoma) / Money

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

by Anonymous / 08/20/2015 at 8:37am / Portugal (Lisboa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

by humiliated / 02/26/2010 at 5:21am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that a street performer makes more money than I do. I have a full time job at the bank. FML

by anonymous / 11/06/2010 at 5:08pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money