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Today, my girlfriend is locked in the bathroom crying because I didn't buy her anything for Valentine's Day, even though Friday, at her suggestion, we agreed not to exchange gifts because both of our birthdays are a week away. FML

by R281780 / 02/14/2016 at 10:53am / United States (California) / Love

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2010 at 3:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

by Mick / 06/06/2011 at 10:18am / Love

Today, my ex-wife crashed my engagement party. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2011 at 4:12am / United States / Love

Today, after several long years, a lot of debt, and two great degrees from a top university, I had to move back in with my parents, because no matter where I look, I can't find a job. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2011 at 10:19pm / Reserved / Work

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

by blacktyaffair / 11/09/2011 at 9:48am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

by DamnDogs / 03/05/2012 at 5:28am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend got really excited that he'd broken his own record; he can now last a full 2 minutes in bed. FML

by user210 / 03/25/2012 at 11:05pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

by lolatmylife / 08/22/2014 at 2:02am / United States / Love

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2009 at 3:07pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, I was reading and started laughing at a funny part in my book. My mom then bitched me out because she thought I was laughing at her. She called me a liar after I explained myself. Her logic? "Books aren't funny". FML

by Marmarfarfar / 05/07/2013 at 12:43pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

by hardee fucking har yourself, sir / 08/07/2013 at 6:00pm / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 12-year-old daughter informed me that she is eager to lose her virginity, "Because I don't want to be thrown into a volcano!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/17/2014 at 10:47am / United States (New York) / Kids