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Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML

by anonymous / 10/24/2010 at 12:14pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

by Milly / 01/30/2011 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

by Anonymous / 06/18/2013 at 6:44am / United States / Health

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2012 at 1:06pm / Canada (Quebec) / Love

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2012 at 11:18pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

by mynameisnotdrew / 02/17/2009 at 12:19pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

by IhatebeingtheDD / 10/15/2010 at 10:08am / United States / Transportation

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

by thanks, fuckface / 11/16/2012 at 2:42pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my mother-in-law called me every 2 hours, starting at 8pm and stopping at 10am the following morning. She says that since my wife and I are expecting our first child, I should "get used to waking up at all hours." She calls my work phone, which I'm not allowed to switch off. FML

by dope_mcfly / 01/29/2014 at 11:55am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

by sisterofthebride / 10/03/2014 at 4:22pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

by edible / 05/20/2009 at 4:01pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

by Firepants / 08/28/2010 at 12:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health