Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, I was at the mall with my girlfriend's family. Her 7 year old brother told me he was feeling sad, so I tried to give him a pat on the back, but it turns out he had a bruise there. He yelled out "don't touch me there!" In the middle of the mall. Now her parents think I'm a pedophile. FML

by notacreep / 05/16/2009 at 4:39am / United States (West Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

by walnutbladder / 01/07/2011 at 4:46pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer had kept my I.D by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML

by Username / 02/09/2011 at 9:48pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

by Forever Alone x2 / 01/07/2012 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I'm going to be helping the love of my life pick out an engagement ring for my cousin. FML

by unlucky / 10/08/2012 at 12:39pm / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2013 at 8:06am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

by bertiebeth / 08/02/2014 at 1:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML

by kareed3 / 07/19/2009 at 12:43pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, I submitted an entry for a logo design contest for my employer. Apparently, it is possible to lose a contest even when you had the only entry. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 3:51pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

by frmitalywithlove / 01/10/2011 at 11:11pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

by shattysituation / 12/31/2012 at 5:36pm / United States / Work

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

by whowhat / 07/11/2013 at 2:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

by knee pain / 12/09/2013 at 2:17pm / United States / Health