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Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

by thiswouldonlyhappentome / 05/30/2011 at 8:33pm / Aruba / Animals

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

by .. / 09/13/2011 at 10:48am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, my friends convinced me to go out clubbing with them for the first time. "You'll get some action", they said. The only action I got was some drunk bloke staggering into me and spraying me with vomit just minutes after arriving. FML

by thanks, cunt-o / 03/01/2014 at 12:23pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend and sent her an Edible Arrangement. When she called to tell me she had gotten it, she was more excited about the cute boy who delivered it than she was about the fruit bouquet. FML

by edible / 05/20/2009 at 4:01pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

by brutality / 06/15/2009 at 1:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, at about 1 a.m. I got a drunk text from my girlfriend thanking me for the amazing sex last night. I have been out of town for 3 days. FML

by desocrates / 06/20/2009 at 6:54pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

by nowhereman1990 / 08/03/2010 at 12:23am / Venezuela (Distrito Federal) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

by BunniesOnAcid / 07/03/2012 at 7:01pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to hide in the closet all morning because my 22-year-old boyfriend didn't want to admit to his parents that he had his girlfriend stay the night. FML

by doodlecrzyMeg / 02/04/2016 at 1:56pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2010 at 1:16am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I donated blood. Afterwards, I regained consciousness on the floor with a half-eaten cookie in my mouth. FML

by Haberdashing / 11/13/2013 at 3:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on msn when her roommate answered «Sorry, this is not Marie, she is at her boyfriend’s». Really? I've looked everywhere in my flat, I can’t find her. FML

by Icy / 10/25/2008 at 12:56pm / Love

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

by DD / 02/08/2010 at 9:18am / Love