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Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML

by furious at five in the morning / 07/02/2012 at 8:36am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

by Anonymous / 10/31/2012 at 4:24pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

by What? / 01/22/2013 at 2:00pm / Australia / Animals

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

by sabrinatarmine_ / 07/21/2013 at 10:35pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I woke up to a warm bed, the morning sunlight bathing my face, and my boyfriend sneaking my credit card out of my purse. FML

by -_- / 08/30/2013 at 4:31pm / United States (Hawaii) / Money

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

by Anonymous / 03/03/2014 at 11:30am / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

by brutality / 06/15/2009 at 1:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

by .. / 09/13/2011 at 10:48am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, after I spent nearly three hours building an igloo, my dog decided it would be a nice to enter it and take a shit. FML

by A / 02/09/2012 at 1:37am / United States / Animals

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

by lindsaykay / 04/17/2012 at 8:07pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

by acneface / 10/21/2009 at 2:59am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I went in to see my piercer. He took one look at my piercing I got a few months ago and laughed saying "What a shit job, I'm sorry but that's pretty crappy because it's not even straight!" I then had to awkwardly explain it was indeed him who had pierced me. FML

by piercingfreak / 08/28/2011 at 6:41am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

by still hungry / 04/21/2012 at 9:04am / United States (Illinois) / Love