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Saturday 16 March 2013

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Today, my family and I were visiting an aunt. While helping my aunt to set the table, my sister remarked that from behind I look exactly like her. I reflexively blurted out "well fuck you too". Very awkward silence. FML

by Kjer / 03/23/2013 at 8:38pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Miscellaneous

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

by :( / 03/19/2013 at 4:12pm / United States (South Carolina) / Holidays

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

by really? / 03/20/2013 at 12:55am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé had to perform his first prostate exam. He told me he was quite nervous about it, so I reminded him that he did fine on his first pelvic exam last month. His response: "Yeah, but I've had my hands up plenty of vaginas already." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2013 at 2:27pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I saw some pictures of my boyfriend drunkenly kissing his ex on Facebook. I asked him about it, and he reassured me the pictures were from months ago. Unfortunately for him, I happened to notice a small tattoo on his neck. The same tattoo I went with him just last week to get. FML

by kaikaicaligirl / 03/21/2013 at 7:55pm / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2013 at 1:30pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

by missedfistbump / 03/20/2013 at 10:31am / United States / Work

Today, a small fly flew straight up into my nose. I spent 10 minutes trying to blow/scratch/pick it out to no avail. I can still feel it moving. FML

by WTFLY / 03/23/2013 at 4:17am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

by XoxoChula / 03/22/2013 at 1:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

by PeeLeg / 03/11/2013 at 3:43am / Miscellaneous

Today, at college, I finally talked myself into confessing my feelings to a girl I really like. Her response was to threaten to sue me. For what, exactly? I have no goddamned idea. I just don't understand people anymore. FML

by forever single, I guess / 03/15/2013 at 6:43pm / United States / Love

Today, while shaving my nether regions, I slipped and sliced myself in three separate places. They won't completely stop bleeding. I'm virtually having a second period, and it hurts to close my legs. FML

by Anonymous / 03/22/2013 at 3:15pm / Italy (Calabria) / Health

Today, I figured I needed to clean my room. I ended up finding my $135 calculator that I'd accused my ex-boyfriend of selling for gas money. That's also the reason I dumped him. FML

by supertango500 / 03/11/2013 at 2:56pm / United States / Money