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Saturday 9 March 2013

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Today, since I hadn't eaten and was about to have a three hour class, I bought Panda Express. I sat opposite my classroom to eat. Soon after I started eating, a wad of saliva dropped into my bowl, and I heard someone yell "BONUS POINTS!" from the second floor. FML

by Sir_ND_Pity / 03/11/2013 at 3:57pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

by Anonymous / 03/08/2013 at 6:29am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was cleaning a house. While dusting a rickety nightstand, a drawer fell open and a light-up dildo fell out and turned on. I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. FML

by OptimusVader / 03/13/2013 at 9:36am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2013 at 3:52am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

by Anonymous / 03/11/2013 at 7:32pm / Ireland / Kids

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

by disgruntled stepdaughter / 03/06/2013 at 2:11pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend still won't talk to me, after I caused him the "worst embarrassment" of his life in front of his friends. What did I do wrong? I joined their conversation and ended up confusing the fictional characters of Gollum and Yoda with one another. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2013 at 8:12pm / France (Centre) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was walking to my professor's office. I've had an upset stomach all week, and I still felt a little gassy, so I politely decided to pass gass before entering the room. More than just gas came out. FML

Today, I found out why my boyfriend likes to do my hair and makeup for me. Far from it being some kind of fetish or hobby, it's because he thinks I do such a crappy job that feels he has to apply it himself so I don't "embarrass" him when we're out in public together. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2013 at 5:01pm / Germany (Thuringen) / Love

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

by ipaid350dollarsfornothing / 03/15/2013 at 3:09am / Qatar / Miscellaneous

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

by Quiteannoyed / 03/09/2013 at 5:35am / Finland (Southern Finland) / Love

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

by ghgfd / 03/06/2013 at 9:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, instead of actually teaching us something, our college professor excitedly showed us the godawful Harlem Shake video he made with his friends. FML

by Will this stupid fad ever end? / 03/06/2013 at 6:51am / United States / Work