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Tuesday 12 February 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my brother was arrested for starting a fistfight at a funeral. He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners. I'm not sure who's more pathetic: him for doing such a thing, or me for bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail. FML

#20509476
95 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24154) - you deserved it (5010)

On 02/16/2013 at 1:03pm - money - by an idiot (man) - Australia

Today, I was riding my bike, when I saw a large dog sitting in front of a house. I started to really crank the pedals, figuring that by the time it saw me, I'd be long gone. My chain popped off, I lost control and crashed onto the side of the road. The dog hadn't moved. It was a statue. FML

#20510258
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20963) - you deserved it (18132)

On 02/17/2013 at 1:01am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML

#20511803
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28625) - you deserved it (2708)

On 02/18/2013 at 3:24am - intimacy - by buxton1 - United States (California)

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

#20513141
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32166) - you deserved it (3644)

On 02/19/2013 at 2:55am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, a cute girl asked if my dog was available for a date on Valentine's Day. Thinking I was in luck, I asked if I should come along. She said no. My dog has better game than I do. FML

#20503854
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (568) - you deserved it (2136)

On 02/12/2013 at 4:50pm - animals - by Doggotmytongue - United States (Illinois)

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

#20510821
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33226) - you deserved it (5112)

On 02/17/2013 at 2:19pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Botswana (North-East)

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

#20503300
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21130) - you deserved it (12459)

On 02/12/2013 at 3:04am - misc - by Thai rice mistake - United States (California)

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

#20511433
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28027) - you deserved it (2416)

On 02/17/2013 at 10:27pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

#20507650
212 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32193) - you deserved it (9783)

On 02/15/2013 at 12:42am - animals - by bettercallpeta - United States

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

#20508531
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24625) - you deserved it (4412)

On 02/15/2013 at 6:22pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Venezuela (Lara)

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

#20512366
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9039) - you deserved it (30119)

On 02/18/2013 at 4:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting his parents. I'm nervous around them so he encouraged me to drink so I'd loosen up. I got so drunk I tore up all the things in his old room I thought were from ex-girlfriends and accidentally flashed his dad my crotch. FML

#20504494
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6876) - you deserved it (37819)

On 02/13/2013 at 12:07am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kansas)

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

#20508270
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33450) - you deserved it (8575)

On 02/15/2013 at 2:50pm - intimacy - by Acolyte of the Bacon God (man) - United States (Florida)



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