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Friday 8 February 2013

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Today, I told my parents that I was going to hang out with some friends. My dad guffawed and said, "Ooh, look at Mary, pretending she has a social life." Thanks, Dad. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2013 at 5:38pm / United Kingdom (Havering) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2013 at 8:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Holidays

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

by mhmm... cumsquats / 02/09/2013 at 6:26pm / Belgium (Brabant) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

by gassy / 02/12/2013 at 9:18am / United States / Love

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

by Totallyscrewed / 02/10/2013 at 12:17am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2013 at 7:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

by lonelyloser / 02/04/2013 at 2:45am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

by mr_loveless / 02/11/2013 at 2:19am / United States / Love

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

by please leave... / 02/13/2013 at 2:33pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

by Anonymous / 02/07/2013 at 1:20am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2013 at 2:18am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex for almost 16 months, she finally said yes. I couldn't get it up the second she said it. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2013 at 1:40am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. It's okay, I know who the father is: my ex-boyfriend, who moved to Japan last week. FML

by juno_op / 02/11/2013 at 1:17pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.