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Today... I desperately needed to pee... so I decided to confront my anxiety issues an use a public toilet. I opened te lid... only to see several uge... rancid floaters staring back at me. I ad an attack... started sobbing... an pissed myself on te way ome. Never again. FML
Today , after much coaxing , I finally got mah roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and mah friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months , until now. FML
yesterday I was washing the dishes at work . I had to pee really bad but frst I wanted to finish the dishes . A coworker jumped out from behind the ice machine . I screamed like a grl and pissed my pants . FML
Today, A State Trooper Ticketed Me After Learning I Was Ticketed For The Same Offense An Hour Earlier, Namely Driving With A Broken Headlight. The Good News Is That Both Tickets Will Be Dismissed If I Go To Court. The Bad News Is That I'd Have To Go To Different Courthouses At The Same Time Of Day. FML
Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking yur butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML
Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to mah desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML
Today, I'm getting marrid. A few months ago, I allowd my mother in-law to take care of catering. She beggd to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number an order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decidd to order food I'm allergic to. mega FML
TODAY, FOR THE FRST TIME IN WEEKS, MAH WIFE FELT FRISKY, AND WE STARTED FOOLING AROUND. HALF-WAY THROUGH UNDRESSING ME, SHE BOLTED OUT, CLAIMING SHE HAD THE SHITS. ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER, SHE TEARFULLY CALLED OUT FROM THE BATHROOM, BEGGING ME TO BRING HER A FRESH ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.
Today,hile mah mother-in-law visitd, I askd if she wouldn't mind watching mah son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shavd his head completely bald. That was his very frst harcut. FML
Friday 27 March 2015