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Thursday 24 January 2013

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Today, I met with my Bolivian friend, who's vacationing here for a few weeks. Eager to show him how welcoming we are in the USA, I took him home and introduced him to my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Bolivia? That's in Europe, right? We saved your asses in World War 2." FML

by oh ffs / 01/24/2013 at 8:13pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

by really?!? / 01/25/2013 at 10:49am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2013 at 7:28pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2013 at 5:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

by HereWeGoAgain / 01/24/2013 at 2:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

by notsobig / 01/29/2013 at 5:39pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

by What? / 01/22/2013 at 2:00pm / Australia / Animals

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

by idislikeblanks / 01/30/2013 at 2:03am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

by Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace / 01/31/2013 at 6:34am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my mother burst into tears and hysterics when she found out my fiancée and I were not "pure" for our upcoming wedding. I'm 28, she's 27, and we've lived together for four years. FML

by deflower / 01/22/2013 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Love

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

by theawfulpresent / 01/29/2013 at 7:28pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

by Ear Invasion / 01/26/2013 at 12:53am / United States (New Mexico) / Animals

Today, I visited my family. Over the course of 2 hours, my brother punched me, and my mom slapped me across the face after drinking way too much wine. When I started gathering my things to leave, my mom started crying about how I don't visit enough. FML

by mariama / 01/23/2013 at 12:45pm / United States / Miscellaneous