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Thursday 10 January 2013

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Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2013 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having a conversation with my mother during which I described something as being pungent. She thought I had made up the word, so I grabbed the dictionary to show her that I hadn't. She then became enraged, threw the dictionary at my head and told me never to talk to her again. FML

by Mizzaroo / 01/17/2013 at 1:38am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I opened the door to go out for groceries. Lying on my doorstep was a pile of poop. A piece of paper was taped to the ground beside it that read, "Do it again and you'll get more than dog shit." I don't have the slightest clue who I pissed off, or how. FML

by fucking mafia or what?? / 01/12/2013 at 5:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was laughing at a girl who really sucks at badminton. Turns out she has anger issues, and a really good aim when she's mad. I've never been hit so hard in the crotch before. FML

by Anon / 01/09/2013 at 2:27pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making wedding plans with my fiancé. His mother kept complaining about everything, and insisted it was pointless to plan because it's just our "first marriage." She then tried to convince him to dump me and move back in with her because "she's all he'll ever need." FML

by CaitiieBuggs / 01/13/2013 at 2:22am / United States (Oregon) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

by Sawarski / 01/07/2013 at 3:09pm / United States / Love

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

by anonymous001 / 01/08/2013 at 2:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2013 at 12:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my mom made up a new game. She thinks it's hilarious to hide my brother's creepy Batman toy around the house to creep me out. This has been going on for hours and I still scream every time. FML

by poohanne / 01/12/2013 at 1:36am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

by Ari / 01/16/2013 at 1:36am / Health

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

by walkingdictionary / 01/17/2013 at 9:31pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, at work, a little girl came in and asked if we had any dance clothes. As I showed her, I asked if she was in a competition. When she said yes, I crossed my fingers and told her I hoped she would win. Unfortunately, I didn't cross them properly and I accidentally gave her the finger. FML

by georgiamarshall_ / 01/09/2013 at 5:42am / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a girl I follow on Twitter tweeted, "Why can't I have a cute math tutor?" I'm her math tutor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2013 at 9:28pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous