Choose the period

Sunday 9 December 2012

Choose a category

Agreed
Commented
Favorited

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

by fuckmyassimcold / 12/14/2012 at 2:19pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

by oh gee, you don't say / 12/15/2012 at 1:43pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2012 at 3:05pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I faced a dilemma. If I don't let the cat sleep in my bedroom, she spends all night howling at the door, waking up my 2-year-old in the process. If I do let her in, the dog gets distressed and chews the contents of the bin. If I let both of them in, I have no room to sleep. FML

by SweetheartSusie / 12/04/2012 at 4:19am / United Kingdom / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day, but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Once while I was at work helping a customer, the other while sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. FML

by meranda_johnson / 12/13/2012 at 3:58am / United States / Health

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 10:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, my roommate pressed "snooze" on his alarm 14 times. I counted. FML

by roommateprobssss:( / 12/11/2012 at 10:57am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I flew from Australia to the UK to meet the woman I love. After two years of talking, and having gotten a love letter for my birthday a few months prior, I was convinced we'd have a great time. Turns out she doesn't know what she feels for me. I'm staying with her for the next 35 days. FML

by RabbitOfAurora / 12/12/2012 at 10:56am / United Kingdom (Hounslow) / Holidays

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

by teejayrn / 12/15/2012 at 6:48am / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I called my dad, because I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to invite him to my graduation in May. When he picked up, I said, "Hey, how have you been, dad?" He scoffed, "Wrong number" and hung up the phone. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2012 at 1:43am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a photo on Instagram of my friend flipping the camera the bird. She'd tagged it under "irony", so I jokingly suggested that she borrow a dictionary. She responded with a tirade of abuse, claimed to be sleeping with my boyfriend, and blocked me an hour later. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2012 at 7:51pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2012 at 4:28am / Australia (New South Wales) / Transportation

Today, I went on a date. He stole my credit card. FML

by elphi / 12/15/2012 at 1:11am / United States (Illinois) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.