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Wednesday 5 December 2012

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Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2012 at 10:30am / United States / Animals

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

by schooyou101 / 12/03/2012 at 7:53pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

by you're just creepy. / 12/11/2012 at 3:39am / Canada (Yukon Territory) / Love

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 6:53am / Canada / Love

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

by Karim / 12/12/2012 at 12:29am / France (Provence-Alpes-Cote d'Azur) / Love

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

by skinnybitch / 12/11/2012 at 1:09pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Love

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

by Banana / 12/04/2012 at 11:04am / Puerto Rico / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 1:39pm / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

by mom / 12/06/2012 at 2:23pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

by Renzy / 12/12/2012 at 1:32pm / Kids

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

by FlyingFist / 12/03/2012 at 7:38pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work taking notes on a pad of paper, my boss witnessed me trying to scroll down on the paper, as if it was a touch-screen phone. FML

by mdg / 12/04/2012 at 12:16pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, my science class found out that I have OCD and that one of my rituals is to cough when others cough. This is going to be a long year. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2012 at 11:09pm / United States (New York) / Geek