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November 2013

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Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

by Eggs / 11/15/2013 at 12:00am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

by fleetingmemories / 11/29/2013 at 6:55pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my girlfriend I loved her. She left and never came back. FML

by Whatswrongwithme? / 11/03/2013 at 4:57am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2013 at 9:49am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

by Thanksalot / 11/30/2013 at 12:58am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, my mother in-law made dessert. It was a beautiful chocolate cake, chocolate cookies, and every other thing had chocolate in it. I'm deathly allergic to chocolate and she knows this. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2013 at 11:09am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

by s3xygrandpa / 11/06/2013 at 2:09pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend's response to me saying "Most women like a bit of filth in the bedroom every now and again" was to start farting in bed. Not quite what I meant. FML

by roughsexgonewrong / 11/05/2013 at 1:01pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my heart rate is higher while playing Tetris than it is during sex. FML

by TetrisMaster / 11/24/2013 at 7:30am / Australia / Health

Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML

by fuck you, bitchcake / 11/10/2013 at 1:26pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML

by HaedLei / 11/26/2013 at 7:17am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my brother and I got into an intense argument that ended up with us trading blows and having the cops called on us. Apparently I was "insulting his intelligence" by trying to explain that you don't make buttermilk by putting butter in milk. He's 18. FML

by davincidasecond / 11/05/2013 at 12:59am / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

by Anonymous / 11/08/2013 at 8:46pm / United States (California) / Work