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September 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

#20862305
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59724) - you deserved it (6438)

On 08/31/2013 at 9:21pm - intimacy - by SplishSplash (woman) - United States

Today, I used a restroom. While doing my thing, the power in my building completely went out. There was another person in the restroom making demonic noises and scratching at my stall. When the power came back on, he was gone. I think I'm being haunted. FML

#20867818
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47051) - you deserved it (3233)

On 09/04/2013 at 6:46pm - work - by dear god help me. - United States (Hawaii)

Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML

#20876692
173 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56052) - you deserved it (12584)

On 09/11/2013 at 2:17am - misc - by spiritbeast33 (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I took my laptop to I.T. to fix my internet. Only after I left did I realise my memory technique for remembering the stages of mitosis (Iraqi penis man anally transmits chlamydia) was left as a sticky note on my desktop. The guy definitely noticed. FML

#20867249
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34469) - you deserved it (10874)

On 09/04/2013 at 7:18am - misc - by interphaseprophasemetaphase (woman) - Australia (Victoria)

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

#20882660
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27742) - you deserved it (40533)

On 09/15/2013 at 5:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

#20900698
296 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64781) - you deserved it (26718)

On 09/29/2013 at 3:46pm - intimacy - by -___- (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

#20898181
284 comments

I agree, your life sucks (67305) - you deserved it (4087)

On 09/27/2013 at 4:33pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I took my 4-year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed that "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex". FML

#20875776
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49312) - you deserved it (4247)

On 09/10/2013 at 2:30pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

#20865525
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43790) - you deserved it (4833)

On 09/03/2013 at 12:13am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I was at the doctor's getting a check up. He asked me if I was allergic to anything, to which I blurted out, "Cats." He gave me a weird look and said, "Don't worry, I won't give you cats." FML

#20865755
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41027) - you deserved it (6708)

On 09/03/2013 at 4:17am - health - by NoNotCats =^._.^= (woman) - United States (Arizona)

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

#20883504
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43979) - you deserved it (5578)

On 09/16/2013 at 7:09am - love - by Kit (woman) - United Kingdom (Swindon)

Today, my ex-wife put my number on Craigslist as a gay fashion designer needing a one night stand. I only found out when I got a text from an unknown number asking me when was the last time I "ate a black anaconda". FML

#20894419
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53045) - you deserved it (5079)

On 09/24/2013 at 2:12pm - intimacy - by Craigslist is Evil. - United States (Tennessee)



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