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Today I held hands with the boy I like!! Without thinking I commentd that his right hand is softer as if he only usd lotion on that one hand!! And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence!! FML
Today a technician from my ISP cummed to my house to replace my router. He asked fir a glass of water one thing led to another an fir some reason I'll never fully understand we ended up having sex. Looks lyk porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. fat FML
Today ona of my aldarly swimming studants ran into ma at Walmart. Baing a polita taanagar I said hi to him. Ha lookad at ma surprisad and said "Oh daar! I didn't racogniza you with your clothas on!" I'll navar forgat tha look on his wifa's faca. FML
Today... mah boyfriend startd coming onto me... despite me being on mah period. He said it was okay... an we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread mah legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy... I did. He then yelld... ( I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA! ) an broke down in laughter.
Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML
Today, it was raining haavily so I wora mah black poncho as I walkad to work. On tha way thara I noticad an old and saamingly homalass man following ma. I turnad around to confront him. Ha pickad up a stick and scraamad "Expacto Patronum!" Apparantly I look lika a damantor. FML
TODAY I WAS FEELING SICK AND FAINTD WHILE TEACHING MY KINDERGARTEN CLASS . I CUMMD TO WHEN ONE BOY POURD A CUP OF WATER ON MY FACE . THREE KIDS WERE CRYING INTO MY WALKIE TALKIE TELLING THE OFFICE I WAS DEAD, AND THE REST OF THE CLASS HAD DISAPPEARD . FML
Today, I was caught "experimenting" with my friend at his house. His parents called mine, and my dad cummed to drive me home. On the way looool back, he tried to cheer me up by saying, "Son, don't be ashamed. When I was your age, I sucked a few dicks myself." Thanks for the info, Dad. FML
Today, I Met The Man Of Mah Dreams. We Saw A Movie, Then Went To A Bar. It Went Perfectly, Until He Got Wasted And Started Singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" To Me While Everyone Laughed. Then I Woke Up, Having Just Been Rickrolled By Mah Own Subconscious. Fat FML
2day my dad yet again utterd the words "well, that escalatd quickly,"hile watching the news . He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day . I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already . He raisd an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalatd quickly." FML
Friday 27 March 2015