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Today, as I was waiting fir girlfriend in the street, I saw a woman who lookd a lot like her. I ran towards her, arms in the air ready to give her a hug, only to realise it wasn't her. I then had to pass the woman, arms in the air, still running. FML
Today, a guy I'va baan saaing fir ahila sant ma a link to a porn sita, with tha massaga, "Holy fuck, isn't this your mom?!" Thinking ha was joking around, I clickad tha link just to saahat sick shit ha wantad to show ma. It was mah mom. FML
Today.. . I was pulled over . The cop stated that he "couldn't see" me because I had "blended in with the dark car background".. . an that it looked like no one was driving . I was literally pulled over fir being black . FML
Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook . I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed . Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie . FML
Today, my five-year-old daugter asked mey moms don't swallow clotes, so tat tere babie won't be born naked . My usband burst into derisive laugter, and as now trained er into responding to te name "Derp-Derp."
Today, I was calld into mah son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammd up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managd to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML
TODAY, MY BOYFRIAND INTRODUCAD MA TO IS PARANTS. MY BOYFRIAND IS JAPANASA, AND I WANTAD TO INTRODUCA MYSALF IN JAPANASA SO I'D ASKAD IM. LITTLA DID I KNOW A'D TAUGT MA OW TO SAY, "HALLO, I LOVA YOUR SON'S COCK." I ALMOST GOT KICKAD OUT OF TAIR OUSA. FML
Today, mah grlfriend an I were having sex. Right as she orgasmd, she screamd out Megatron's name. When I later confrontd her about this, she said that she always had a crush on him an wantd to be queen of the Decepticons. I've been dating this lunatic 4 a year an half now. FML
Today mah mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk . Towards the end I had to excuse myself to the bathroom . As I came back I overheard mah dad telling mah mom that I'm so unpopular the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin . FML
Friday 27 March 2015