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Sunday 10 March 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, my wife finally came home from deployment. Apparently, in the military she really built up some muscle. When she saw me at the airport, she picked me up like a baby and spun me around in her arms a few times. I'm a little scared of her now. FML

#20530533
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38816) - you deserved it (9399)

On 03/04/2013 at 2:36am - love - by married to wonder woman (man) - United States (California)

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie was in 3D, and he couldn't help but notice it would be much cooler if you could feel what the characters did. He spent the next two hours slapping me every time the person in the movie did, claiming the movie would be "better". FML

#20542280
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31865) - you deserved it (5758)

On 03/13/2013 at 5:06pm - misc - by bruised - Canada (New Brunswick)

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

#20547346
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36291) - you deserved it (2551)

On 03/17/2013 at 7:00am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Illinois)

Today, while working my shift at Taco Bell, a creepy guy started flirting with me. He said, "You remind me of something," acting as if I knew him from elsewhere. I quickly said I used to work at Chili's. He shook his head and said, "No, not a person! An animal. A sloth maybe." FML

#20533458
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29291) - you deserved it (3648)

On 03/06/2013 at 12:19pm - work - by SlothyMolly - United States

Today, since I hadn't eaten and was about to have a three hour class, I bought Panda Express. I sat opposite my classroom to eat. Soon after I started eating, a wad of saliva dropped into my bowl, and I heard someone yell "BONUS POINTS!" from the second floor. FML

Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML

#20541069
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34458) - you deserved it (4451)

On 03/12/2013 at 6:43pm - kids - by um... maybe (man) - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

#20547294
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28129) - you deserved it (49220)

On 03/17/2013 at 5:07am - intimacy - by Cliché... or Touché? -

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

#20532616
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40642) - you deserved it (3828)

On 03/05/2013 at 7:07pm - kids - by cjw - United States

Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML

#20536593
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47615) - you deserved it (3331)

On 03/09/2013 at 1:16am - love - by itsnotyouitsher - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

#20533390
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33434) - you deserved it (3857)

On 03/06/2013 at 9:53am - health - by ghgfd - Canada (Ontario)

Today, the guy in the dorm room next to me was playing very loud metal music. I went next door and kindly asked him to turn it off. He did, so I went back to my room to go back to sleep. It turns out he was using the music to drown out his girlfriend's very loud moans. FML

#20536784
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37893) - you deserved it (15577)

On 03/09/2013 at 8:35am - intimacy - by ShittyWalls (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

#20533543
82 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38426) - you deserved it (2328)

On 03/06/2013 at 2:11pm - misc - by disgruntled stepdaughter - United States (Ohio)

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

#20544424
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48968) - you deserved it (6543)

On 03/15/2013 at 3:09am - misc - by ipaid350dollarsfornothing - Qatar



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