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Saturday 23 February 2013

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Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 12:14pm / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Love

Today, I was struck down with horrible diarrhea. With barely any toilet paper left, I texted my husband to buy some more and rush home. He replied, "Sorry babe, getting shitfaced with the lads. Get it? 'Shitfaced'. LOL!" and stopped replying to my desperate pleas. FML

by arse of fire :( / 02/22/2013 at 7:31pm / United Kingdom (Slough) / Health

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs at college. I was taken to hospital with a fractured ankle and had to call my parents to drive me home. They constantly made passive-aggressive remarks on the way home, because I'd "totally ruined" their plans to eat out at a fancy restaurant tonight. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2013 at 5:33pm / United Kingdom (Ards) / Health

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

by thepokemonkid / 02/27/2013 at 12:03am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

by notapervert / 02/28/2013 at 2:57am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I stole a pen from the doctor's office while she wasn't looking. Later on at work, I idly pulled the pen out during a meeting. My colleague looked at me, horrified. The pen had the words "minimally invasive gynecological surgery" emblazoned on it. I'm a man. FML

by Anonymous / 02/21/2013 at 9:56pm / United States (New York) / Work

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

by incendiaaa / 02/24/2013 at 6:17am / Australia / Animals

Today, I walked into my dad straightening my dog's fur. His excuse? The dog needed to feel pretty. FML

by xtammyle / 02/19/2013 at 2:01am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, my mom refused to sign me up for a CPR class, reasoning that if I was ever put in a situation where a person was choking, I could save them using my "common sense" and "intellect". I need the class to graduate. FML

by blob / 02/20/2013 at 7:32pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2013 at 1:59pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

by ? / 02/20/2013 at 1:20pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

by really / 02/19/2013 at 10:27am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

by jealouspussy / 02/20/2013 at 1:55am / United States (California) / Intimacy