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Tuesday 5 February 2013

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Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

by must be adopted / 02/10/2013 at 8:00pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

by toxic waste / 02/11/2013 at 11:18pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

by Anonymous / 02/12/2013 at 1:43pm / United States / Health

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

by gassy / 02/12/2013 at 9:18am / United States / Love

Today, after a shower, my dad jokingly asked if I was jacking off in the shower because I was taking a long time. Before I could respond, my mom chimed in with, "No, he does it before he showers, haven't you noticed how he locks himself in his room?" She was right on the money. FML

by Lockedinroom / 02/05/2013 at 11:18am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my big, tough, strong dog is terrified of spiders when he jumped, knocked over a table and then peed on the spider to drown it. FML

by DogLover / 02/06/2013 at 8:59am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I hired out a motel room so I could stay there by myself and lie to my mother and grandmother about having friends. This is the third time. FML

by lonelyloser / 02/04/2013 at 2:45am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

by halfmypaycheckgone / 02/05/2013 at 1:59pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

by perfect / 02/04/2013 at 3:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

by swarm20 / 02/05/2013 at 12:24am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2013 at 12:15am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I had my gallbladder removed. I have a very painful incision in my belly that makes any kind of movement excruciating. I've had the hiccups 5 times so far. FML

by IHeartBlueJay / 02/08/2013 at 12:31am / United States / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my kitten made it snow inside my house using a 12-pack of toilet paper. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2013 at 1:00pm / United States (West Virginia) / Animals