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Sunday 30 December 2012

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, after giving my husband a new video game that he's been wanting, along with homemade waffles and a surprise blowjob, he gave me my gift: two packets of ramen noodles, and toilet paper. FML

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

#20438439
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49821) - you deserved it (4590)

On 01/02/2013 at 10:49am - work - by habassistant - United States (Ohio)

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

#20443608
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10235) - you deserved it (38366)

On 01/05/2013 at 11:16am - misc - by anonymous - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

#20420433
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17892) - you deserved it (49801)

On 12/25/2012 at 2:12am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

#20422121
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28305) - you deserved it (7599)

On 12/25/2012 at 8:49pm - intimacy - by FuckMyEyes (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

#20427495
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45592) - you deserved it (9515)

On 12/28/2012 at 6:40am - intimacy - by kmtranter - United Kingdom (Brent)

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

#20432015
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10141) - you deserved it (34436)

On 12/30/2012 at 1:39pm - misc - by Weirdo (woman) - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with the prettiest, most simple ring I have ever seen. I called my sister to tell her the good news, and her response was, "I know. He had me steal the ring from Claire's." FML

#20432536
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39549) - you deserved it (3528)

On 12/30/2012 at 6:58pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

#20442898
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24457) - you deserved it (4498)

On 01/04/2013 at 7:56pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Netherlands (Groningen)

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

#20444730
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27504) - you deserved it (3521)

On 01/06/2013 at 8:06am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I found out that I was pregnant and sent a picture of the positive test to my boyfriend. Before I got a text back from him, I got his newly updated Facebook status that read "This has got to be the most depressing day of my life." FML

#20444550
143 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22453) - you deserved it (6658)

On 01/06/2013 at 3:17am - misc - by kiken.bara - United States

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

#20437796
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37670) - you deserved it (4000)

On 01/02/2013 at 1:07am - animals - by catdog - United States (California)

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

#20436663
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40806) - you deserved it (5790)

On 01/01/2013 at 4:33pm - love - by Anonymous - United States (Georgia)



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