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Friday 14 December 2012

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Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

by bloodyfreakinawful / 12/14/2012 at 1:40am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I avoided having to wash the dishes by faking a cold. My sucker of a wife believed me and hopped off my balls about it. Later on, after I made a miraculous recovery, she told me to take out the trash. It's freezing outside and raining, and I feel a very real cold coming on. FML

by fuckmyassimcold / 12/14/2012 at 2:19pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when he suddenly grabbed my front. He said, in a sexy voice, "Is that your boob?". He had grabbed a fat roll. FML

by ToughTitties / 12/14/2012 at 8:45am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

by wtf / 12/17/2012 at 2:38pm / United States / Health

Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML

by djl / 12/20/2012 at 12:30am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, I was burgled while I was on the toilet. FML

Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML

by doblex / 12/20/2012 at 6:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

by hailey / 12/10/2012 at 12:10am / United States (Maryland) / Money

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

by hnickell93 / 12/10/2012 at 1:37pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2012 at 5:40pm / Sweden (Vastmanlands Lan) / Animals

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

by Money-money-money / 12/13/2012 at 9:25pm / France / Money

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

by chels / 12/10/2012 at 2:47am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I smiled at a new kid and started a conversation with him, just to be nice. He later sent me 24 messages describing how strong his love for me is. I'm scared to go to school tomorrow. FML

by you're just creepy. / 12/11/2012 at 3:39am / Canada (Yukon Territory) / Love