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Tuesday 11 December 2012

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Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

by Cold / 12/17/2012 at 12:08am / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, my mother told my therapist that I've been reverting to childlike behavior and she was worried about my maturity. She was worried because I screamed hysterically after dropping a pot of boiling noodles on my lap. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2012 at 3:31am / United States / Health

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 2:20am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while picking up a birthday cake, I was screamed at by an upset woman for getting special attention from the bakers, and that I was nothing more than an attention-hogging slut. The bakers are my co-workers and I was picking my cake up on my day off. FML

by Anonymous / 12/12/2012 at 10:05am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

by teejayrn / 12/15/2012 at 6:48am / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2012 at 12:15am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 10:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 7:46pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

by Hit-and-Run / 12/13/2012 at 3:01am / Mexico (Chihuahua) / Love

Today, I sent an email to my boss saying I'd fixed a glitch in our mail servers. He called me later, angrily shouting that I'd done a piss-poor job of fixing it, because my email had spammed his inbox with several hundred duplicate messages. FML

by Anonymous / 12/14/2012 at 6:16pm / United Kingdom (Somerset) / Work

Today, after weeks of begging, I finally got an interview at my dream job. Turns out, they only agreed to interview me because they thought I was someone else. FML

Today, I went on a date. He stole my credit card. FML

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

by lovelychris / 12/16/2012 at 2:15pm / Brazil (Sao Paulo) / Love