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Sunday 9 December 2012

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Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/10/2012 at 1:09pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, some beefed-up guy wearing a wife-beater sat in my restaurant, took out a big sack of coins, and played My Little Pony songs on the jukebox for 4 hours straight. I couldn't summon the courage to tell him to leave. FML

by lingling / 12/15/2012 at 7:57pm / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

by SBCR / 12/07/2012 at 1:01am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to find a mouse in the garage. Frantic, I killed it. My 7-year-old son came home from soccer, and started crying because he couldn't find the class pet, Mr. Whiskers. I killed my son's class pet. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2012 at 10:30am / United States / Animals

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

by HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE / 12/09/2012 at 4:52pm / United Kingdom (Barking and Dagenham) / Love

Today, I faced a dilemma. If I don't let the cat sleep in my bedroom, she spends all night howling at the door, waking up my 2-year-old in the process. If I do let her in, the dog gets distressed and chews the contents of the bin. If I let both of them in, I have no room to sleep. FML

by SweetheartSusie / 12/04/2012 at 4:19am / United Kingdom / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

by dino0123 / 12/12/2012 at 12:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

by skinnybitch / 12/11/2012 at 1:09pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Love

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

by Renzy / 12/12/2012 at 1:32pm / Kids

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

by ihncredible / 12/10/2012 at 6:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

by n1a1t1h1a1n1 / 12/11/2012 at 2:15am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML

by Dontwaketheneighbors / 12/06/2012 at 9:24am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2012 at 6:53am / Canada / Love