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Saturday 20 October 2012

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Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment for her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room for hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2012 at 12:07am / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, my young son and I were in line at Subway. I guess he got bored and started to insult the teenage girl behind us. I tried to get him to stop, but he wouldn't listen. Eventually the girl punched him in the face and left. As my son cried uncontrollably, everyone else there clapped. FML

by Bratty son / 10/23/2012 at 12:25am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

by Andrew / 10/23/2012 at 3:12pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

by thebeachisthatway / 10/22/2012 at 2:56pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

by DrugsRX / 10/17/2012 at 6:58pm / United States (Georgia) / Love

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2012 at 2:26pm / United States / Love

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

by jesushelpme / 10/22/2012 at 3:08pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, for the second time, I met the man I'm having an arranged marriage with in 3 months. I'd previously met him last night, while he was mugging me. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2012 at 6:15am / Australia / Love

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

by AbandonedHouseWife / 10/17/2012 at 4:16pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love

Today, a cashier asked me if I would like to donate to breast cancer research. Since I have already made my donations this month, I politely declined. The cashier snorted and said, "Maybe you'll feel differently if someone you love got cancer." I'm a two-year survivor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2012 at 5:21am / United States / Money

Today, I learned from my daughter's teacher that she has been wearing the same shirt for the past few weeks, ever since we had a fight about how I don't pay attention to her. FML

by Anonymous / 10/15/2012 at 6:28am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, I was woken up by my teenage son pulling down my shirt and taking pictures of my breasts. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2012 at 4:42am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

by Dinger1992 / 10/23/2012 at 9:19am / United States / Money