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September 2012

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Today, my dog, who has been specially trained to go for help when I'm having a seizure, went to alert my parents downstairs that I was having an emergency. The "emergency" was me masturbating. FML

by thewhompingwillow / 09/01/2012 at 1:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

by PissedbythePiper / 09/11/2012 at 2:11am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

by DrunkenShopper / 09/03/2012 at 1:24am / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

by Alright. / 09/24/2012 at 4:15am / United States (Montana) / Love

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2012 at 8:03am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

by Anonymous / 09/20/2012 at 12:14am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

by painfetish8021 / 09/16/2012 at 8:50pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I stumbled across "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" on TV and realized that these awful freaks are going to make more money than I ever will. FML

by Anonymous / 09/13/2012 at 6:29pm / United States / Money

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

by blueballs / 09/13/2012 at 8:06pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making out, I slowly took my clothes off and revealed my body to her for the first time. She looked, smiled, and said reassuringly, "Aww, don't worry. I know how it's supposed to look." FML

by whatswrongwithit?:( / 09/30/2012 at 3:37pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, after math class, the resident creepy kid approached me and asked me out. I've only spoken to him twice before, so I was creeped out, and I politely declined. He totally lost it, and shouted that I'm a "friend-zoning bitch" before storming out of the room. FML

by wow kid just leave me alone / 09/14/2012 at 8:03pm / United States / Love

Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML

by Anonymous / 09/22/2012 at 8:37pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

by raesos91 / 09/18/2012 at 7:56am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous