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September 2012

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Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

by Gigi / 09/05/2012 at 12:29am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to help my parents out by tearing down the old, rusty swing set that's been in our backyard for years. Little did I know that there was a beehive hidden in the long grass, and I now have dozens of painful red bumps all over me. FML

by kirassi919 / 09/20/2012 at 12:50pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

by sunshinexx / 09/07/2012 at 5:50am / Australia / Health

Today, I got food poisoning at work. I had my head in the toilet when the auto flush decided to turn on. The force of the flush was so powerful half of what I threw up splashed back into my face. FML

by cedechan / 09/29/2012 at 12:08am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, I realized that my manager and I have synchronized menstrual cycles. She gets extremely bitchy, and I get extremely vulnerable and emotional - she yells at me and I burst into tears. FML

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

by Emily / 09/20/2012 at 9:39pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, at work, I was talking to a Scottish woman when my coworker and I both told her we were also Scottish. To this she replied, "We Scottish people get around." I then said, "Tell me about it, I'm one of four siblings from my dad, he definitely gets around." She was talking about travel. FML

by jcedarholm / 09/13/2012 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

by he is going to hell / 09/18/2012 at 5:46pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a blind date. He took one look at me and said, "Well, we might as well get a drink anyway." FML

by dateless / 09/21/2012 at 7:48am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, I was happy to finally receive an email from my younger sister, whom I have not been able to talk to for months due to being in the military stationed overseas. The email was to tell me my mom is in jail. FML

by HeyArnold91 / 09/14/2012 at 1:57am / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

by Creeped / 09/27/2012 at 4:19am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a family dinner, which had gone into meltdown after my aunt said something sarcastic about my mother's drinking. I went out for some fresh air and stumbled about in the dark, unaware of the fact that a pool was being dug. I fell into the huge hole and lost a shoe. FML

by NotDrunk / 09/11/2012 at 2:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out there's a rumor going around that my smoking hot co-worker and I had sex over the weekend. I'm not nearly as pissed off about the rumor as I am by the fact that I can't remember it because I was too drunk. FML

by bruisedego31 / 09/12/2012 at 5:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy