New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year - FML

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Spicy

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 748

You deserved it 13 268

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

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Same thing different taste

Lonely hearts

By Lena - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 717

You deserved it 3 199

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 931

You deserved it 3 025

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 548

You deserved it 4 496

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 488

You deserved it 1 029

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 719

You deserved it 31 733

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 760

You deserved it 3 212

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 506

You deserved it 358

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 328

You deserved it 2 489

I hate myself

By trixanne - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 713

You deserved it 3 903

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 260

You deserved it 2 941

Next

Top comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:38

That's one hell of a goal to set. Try again next year OP.

thatADHDdude 21

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:58

Well, did you get it? I demand a follow-up!

masterof1 7

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:55

FAPPY NEW YEAR

ingridsoare 3

Monday 13 January 2014 4:27

This comment had exactly 365 likes haha

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

MelTheGreat 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:57

Exactly. Better than mine because I slept right through the countdown.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:23

I agree. I'm 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one. Don't ask how I know.

ironmany_fml 23

Wednesday 1 January 2014 19:48

The only way that you can be 100% sure that OP wasn't the only one is, if you were witnessing someone else doing it, or doing it yourself too... so which one is it.. ? ;)

sandraw1 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:04

#40, she said "don't ask", du'uh

JMichael 25

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:19

But that just reeks with the smell of please ask me, I'm itching to reveal my secrets.

challan 19

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:23

I work for the NSA.

dingleberrysteve 6

Wednesday 1 January 2014 20:35

only if youre a child prodigy

doctorhook86 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:31

I'm genuinely not sure why #21 is being downvoted--she's right.

Beansforbill 14

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:00

Because it's a boring comment

DavidKnows 11

Friday 3 January 2014 7:04

#49. GREAT response!

Melix 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

What a way to start the new year

BillMurray_fml 12

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

It WOULD be quite a feat to time that right. Keep setting the bar high for the rest of us, OP.

nyellow 6

Thursday 2 January 2014 6:01

Holy crap, it's bill Murray!

xSkittle 16

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:32

Making your own firework heh

arandomusernameaa 20

Thursday 2 January 2014 1:50

natural, biodegradable and free fireworks! and white for Winter!

Senseless_487 29

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:33

Fappy new year!

ThomasBombadil 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

Didn't Sting used to be into things like this? Guess you're in good company!

anythingmustbe 18

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:34

So you fapped once in the year? Amazing self control.

sybyabraham 17

Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:17

He fapped continuously from 2013 to 2014.

bigdaddyeric 35

Monday 1 January 2018 6:39

No, twice as it changed from year to year while fapping....

ComoEsJuan 24

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Bringing in the new year with a bang!

martin8337 35

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:39

Self bang.

FrankHotpants 31

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:36

Achievement unlocked

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Keywords

Health Relatable Public freakouts Music Scams Geek Poopoo peepee Jewelry Awkward Bikes Cops Transportation Family Kids Fight Miscellaneous AITA Mother in law Social Media Love Relationship advice Art Work Students Animals Birds Sleep Noise Mental health Contraception

The Top

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys… a big black rubber cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 225

You deserved it 6 962

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I'd left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 307

You deserved it 3 970

The Top

Today, I found out that I'm not my girlfriend's only boyfriend. The other guy sells shoes on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 126

Today, while trying to sneak out of my house to go to a party I met my mom trying to sneak back in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 664

You deserved it 8 305

Today, I was hanging with my boyfriend. When his mom came to pick him up, he introduced me. She talked to me politely and I thought we hit it off very well. As I was walking away, I heard her say, "That's your new girlfriend? Honey, you could do so much better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 187

You deserved it 4 480

Today, I turned 18. My parents remembered that I loved German chocolate cake, so I awoke to a hot, fudge-filled chocolate cake with a slice cut out just for me. I've been lactose-intolerant for 8 years. As I cried, my mom handed me tissues, while eating the "Happy" part of my cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 164

You deserved it 5 646

Today, I found that my coworker left an "upper decker" in the toilet as a prank. I didn't realize this until I flushed. The poop clogged the top part of the toilet, which would not stop filling. I had to reach into the poopy water to unplug it. All I went in there to do was pee, and I had the CFO of our company waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 72

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 101

You deserved it 259