New year's day, Wanker and Intimacy: Wanking in the New Year - FML

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Spicy

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 752

You deserved it 13 269

Mother's Day: Sweets and Bummers
Between disastrous breakfasts in bed and unusual gifts, Mother's Day is an inexhaustible source of laughter. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Lonely hearts

By Lena - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, my life became a lot more depressing. A while ago, some friends and I founded a "Forever Alone" club, because all of us were single at that time. I'm now the only member left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 720

You deserved it 3 200

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 933

You deserved it 3 025

Happy New Leg

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, instead of spending New Year's Eve having a romantic night out with my fiancé as we'd planned, I'm spending it sitting beside him in the hospital because his friends convinced him to go off-road ghost-riding in the dead of night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 549

You deserved it 4 496

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 490

You deserved it 1 030

Stranger danger

By shit - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 719

You deserved it 31 734

Sounds promising

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 762

You deserved it 3 213

Courtesy visit

By hottytodday - 12/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Oxford

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend on our couch. Meanwhile, my parents came to visit us without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 507

You deserved it 359

What's your resolutions?

By why? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hackensack

Today, my dad has decided to that as a New Year's resolution, he's going to strive to wear pants less often. It's only been an hour and I can already tell it's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 328

You deserved it 2 489

I hate myself

By trixanne - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I left my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 713

You deserved it 3 904

Piss poor prank

By peedonme - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was in the toilet. Some idiots thought it was funny to throw a water balloon into the cubicle. The balloon didn't pop, but fell in the toilet, sending my own urine onto my shorts. I had 4 hours left of school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 2 941

Next

Top comments

junkman6 22

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

Life's all about having goals right?

Llamacod 11

Wednesday 1 January 2014 18:31

The best way to start out any New Years is with an ******

Comments

Beaupray 5

Thursday 2 January 2014 15:50

Right as everyone was watching the ball drop

BlueKyuubi63 6

Thursday 2 January 2014 18:58

This year CAME and went pretty fast, huh?

myeviltwin 20

Thursday 2 January 2014 19:01

Sorry OP but that is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. Next New Years do what I did. Go out to the bar and pick up a drunk chick bang her in your car and give her a fake phone number.

osteobabe 13

Saturday 4 January 2014 1:45

I genuinely hope you are simply trolling. Disposable society at it's most degrading.

Dirty_Balls 1

Friday 3 January 2014 4:49

LMAO! I think it was smart, I'm hardly never alone and I still wish I would have thought of that..

stitesy29 18

Saturday 4 January 2014 9:32

That's enough internet for today

XypherDubstep 8

Wednesday 8 January 2014 5:44

Did you do it?

AnagenisisZagus 13

Wednesday 8 January 2014 9:02

That's a different way to welCOME the new year.

mata2 7

Friday 10 January 2014 5:32

love it op. had to read all the comments. ya ya late to post.

amgrizzir97 5

Sunday 12 January 2014 5:28

Lol i tried doing that too

ezio416 6

Monday 19 May 2014 17:50

Omg that's exactly what I did

5
6
7
8
9

Keywords

Public freakouts Education Parents Mother in law Love Argument AITA Miscellaneous Insects Fear Cats Skincare Health Jealousy Coworkers Work Gross Drugs Animals Dogs Fire Awkward Scams Transportation Cars Money Bikes Scary Neighbours Intimacy

The Top

Today, and for weeks now, I was sure my underwear was going missing. I found out why. My husband's brother has been stealing them whenever he visits, presumably to masturbate with. I literally caught him shoving an unwashed pair into his pocket he'd stolen from my laundry pile. Creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 61

Today, my time-off request was denied because I'd said on my application that I have “open availability.” This is normally true, except my mother passed away and I need to travel to go to her funeral. I attempted to appeal, but ended up fired for “misleading” the company by “lying on a job application.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 104

The Top

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 086

You deserved it 26 599

Today, I learned that I actually like my boiled eggs a bit softer than I usually make them. I also learned that an outwardly lukewarm egg, when bitten into enthusiastically, is perfectly capable of creating a volcanic eruption of boiling hot yolk all over your hands, clothes and kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 372

Today, I walked into my bedroom and realized I really needed to clean it. As I started to pick everything up off of the floor, I tripped over a shoe, slipped on a water bottle, pulled down my shoe rack, and landed in my armoire. My room is now dirtier than it was when I started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 423

You deserved it 13 437

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 647

You deserved it 18 326

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 035

You deserved it 38 118

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 342

You deserved it 6 656