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By Jill - / Saturday 15 June 2013 04:19 / United States - Santa Rosa
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I agree, she may think her step-mum is awesome and all right now but you can never replicate the love and character and value instilling that your biological mother gives you. She may not think about it now OP but as she's older she'll realise just how much she actually loves you, its just a retarded teenage thing.

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Eh...It doesn't necessarily mean that she did something right. I loved my mother and hated my father growing up, I hated (Well still hate to be honest.) because he is an abusive asshole who cheated on my mom repeatedly. While we obviously have no way of knowing that OP is like this we have no way of knowing she isn't either. Hopefully it is just her teenage daughter being a rebellious teenage daughter.

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@1 It's a silly thing to think that "my children hate me, I must be a great parent." If that logic is okay, then if you whip your kids with a bull whip, or starve them, and they dislike that and hate you for it... Well, you must just be a good parent. After all they hate you, you must be doing something right. Your children should never hate you, they should respect you, if you do your job as a parent right. Maybe they don't unconditionally love you, and outside factors (school, friends, etc.) may stress that bond (so that sometimes disrespectful children say they hate their parents -- without meaning it), but they will unconditionally respect you if you are a good parent. If they outright hate you chances are it is an issue with you.

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I understand that parents can be concerned about their kids, but why should she be looking through her phone? That's kind of asking to find out things the mom didn't want to know.

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Translation of #9: Well, it's partially YDI and also FYL. You deserve it for being a snoopy mother, And Fuck Your Life because your daughter doesn't seem very FOND of you. (And in reference to he-who-shall-not-be-named) Just put a curse on her.

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YDI, if you think they're old enough to have a phone, they're old enough to have their own privacy. if you dont trust them, why give them a phone? and if you really think they'll send pictures (sexting) dont give them that feature in their plan. i hate parents that go through their children's phones.

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#77: That's not actually true, having a cell phone is often for safety reasons with younger kids, for example if your child walks to or from school, it makes sense for them to have a cell phone so you can contact them or vice versa. That doesn't automatically equate to being old enough to keep things from their parents. Also, it says 'going through her contacts' Not her messages or photos, she could easily have been looking for somebody's number.

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I got my first phone when I was 14, because I walked home from school. My mom solved the picture problem by getting me a phone without a camera. However, when she needed a contact, she would ask me to put it into her phone. She never once went onto my phone. Her logic was she could very easily request transcripts of texts or the numbers I was calling from the phone company. I don't see why she would need to be on her daughter's phone in the first place. I think this is likely why her daughter calls her step-mother mom. She does not view her daughter as mature enough to give her the number or be honest with her.

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It does if you don't get them one of those phones that the parents program the numbers and the child can't touch it, that doesn't have a camera or texting, just emergency numbers. Giving a kid a full-fledged phone insinuates that you trust the kid.

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@ 3 Perfectly said. People tend to see themselves in others. A child who was sneaky and did things behind their parents back tends to see that in their own kids (rightly or wrongly). This is not the sign of a good parent, but instead, a child who never grew up, and probably still continues to be sneaky as an adult. Parents who raise their children right have unconditional respect for them, which includes trusting them enough to have their privacy (on the phone and elsewhere). Good parents trust their children; because they know they have raised a good person. And a good person does not need to be doubted because they act in their private life as upright as they act in their public life.

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Well said. I have 2 teens, and even if my daughter does something to warrant her phone being taken away for a bit (usually not doing chores), I have never gone through her phone. I've spoken with both my son and daughter about how once a picture is transmitted it's in cyberspace forever and will come back to bite you in the ass. I would like to think I've done my job well enough as a parent to trust them to a certain extent. And what type of example is that to set? That going through someone else's personal belongings is ok? Sounds like the type of person that would go through a co worker's purse or something. Trashy.

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Being a parent does not automatically give the OP the right to snoop through her daughter's phone. My own mother snooped through my stuff and to this day, I do not trust her with ANY of my possessions. I don't even loan her money.

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Unless the child has done something that would warrant suspicion, I disagree. Treating your kids like they can never be trusted is a great way to ensure they will want nothing to do with you when they're older. As I just said, I do not trust my own mother because she did not trust me. Naturally, our relationship is lower than dirt.

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I am not a parent by any means, but I am 21 raised by single parent when I was growing up they didn't have those type of phones my mother gave me a virgin mobile phone and bought me minutes once a month...NEVER HAS SHE EVER WENT THROUGH MY PHONE THAT WAS NOT CONNECTED TO HER PLAN. NEVER HAS SHE EVER QUESTIONED WHO I WAS TALKING TO mostly cause I didn't associate with bad kids until I was 14...if you give a child(8+) a cell phone you obviously trust your kid enough to let them carry an expensive piece of technology why not trust yourself that you raised a good kid?

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I didn't get a phone til I was 16 and I got it taken away usually 6-8 months twice before I turned 18. I would take long distance numebers (online friends, sometimes cute guys I would flirt with). She would see that I was contacting long distance numbers on our phone companies website so she would then ask me who they were. if I said there were someone I met online, she'd tell me I have to delete their number and cease contact with them, "because they're probably a rapist" (paraphrased). I usually lied and said it was a friend who had just moved here. So then she would go through my phone contacts and text messages and pictures. She would reas my texts from this guy (ive known him online for 2 years) and would ground me for talking dirty and sending nudes. Not only that, but she would read the dirty convos out loud so me and pull my nude photos up. I then got picture messaging disabled until my second semester as a freshman in college. Honestly if you think you're child is up to something dangerous, maybe you can snoop. But personally if my mother wasn't so "everyone online is a rapist" and "you're gonna go to hell for sending nudes", I would have been honest with her.

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Maybe you're nicknamed "Voldemort" because your daughter doesn't like her mother going through her phone? Either that, or you're actually the Dark Lord. We're onto you, Voldemort.

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I disagree. I think if your child has not yet actually done anything to earn your mistrust then you shouldn't treat them like you think they are sneaking around behind your back. How does a child trust you if you always treat them like they are a criminal?

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When my mother needed my phone she would ask and tell me what she needed it for. She would ask for a contact, to use it to make a call, or to borrow it if her phone was dead. She did not go through my texts or make sneaky mom texts to find out if I was "being rowdy." I never called my mother nasty names in my phones because I knew she loved me enough to let me do what I needed to do. She trusted me. You cannot have a good relationship with your child if they do not feel you trust or appreciate them. Respect it key. Op does not seem to trust her daughter.

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68 - I feel bad for your future children, as you seem to have no idea how teenagers work. My parents respect my privacy, they didn't do this kind of crap, and I did not grow up hating them. You don't go through your parents phones to make sure they aren't having affairs, do you? Privacy. Plain and simple.

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#85 how do you know the mother in this case wasn't looking through her daughter's contacts BECAUSE she had reasonable grounds to suspect her daughter was doing something wrong? A lot of judgemental comments here, for all we know OP may have had good reason to go through her contacts, or (as more than one commenter has suggested) she may have simply been looking for a number and had no privacy-invading intent at all, considering she's merely looking at the contacts, not the message history. What's with all the judgmentalness, everyone??

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#114 are you seriously unable to imagine a circumstance where OP isn't somehow automatically 'in the wrong' for searching for a needed contact number herself on her daughter's phone without asking her? I can recall more than one occasion where my mum was in a rush and needed to know a number I had on my phone and I was for whatever reason not in a convenient place to read it out for her myself e.g. being in the shower or even not at home at all (yes, I'm one of those forgetful people who leaves home without her phone half the time). I have only ever expressed annoyance when my mum actually purposely infringes on my privacy (Which she HAS done, but using my phone without my explicit permission to find a number does not and should not fall under that category).

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#114 in fact I can imagine the simplest and quite plausible reason (the most common reason my mum has ever used my phone's contact list for) OP would be looking through her daughter's phone is in fact because OP has LOST her phone somewhere around the house and is trying to ring it to find it. If OP is one of those parents (like my own) who can remember only the first few digits of their mobile phone number, grabbing her daughter's phone to try and find and call her number is a perfectly valid and innocent reason, and especially if the daughter isn't around to ask permission first and if OP was in a hurry to get her phone and call someone or go somewhere. Trust has to go both ways, you know.

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How likely is it that mom already, just happens, to have memorized the names AND phone numbers of everyone her daughter talks to on a daily basis? The only way she would be able to ensure that the girl didn't have a dealers number in her phone would be if she had the same dealer. That would pretty much be the only logical way that mom would know just from names who on the contacts list was dealing drugs and what their phone number was. That's not really information people volunteer so going through the phone would help nothing.

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