meggybee

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML

Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML