37 years-old
Today, I attended a family reunion, during which my grandma gave me "relationship advice" in front of everyone. She's been married five times, and her longest marriage lasted a whole 6 months. FML
Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML
Today, it was the marathon. My girlfriend, has a unique name spelling, ran and I cheered and passed her supplies at two different mile markers. I then noticed a guy I’d never met who had signs with her name at the same mile markers. She was too lazy to split up both her boyfriend’s mile markers. FML
Today, I sent my boss an animated GIF of a dancing banana instead of the report he'd requested. He replied with a dancing potato. Productivity level: absolute zero. FML
Today, I was jumped and savagely beaten to the ground by a group of six-year-olds wearing Disney princess masks. FML
Today, I'm super sick with a sinus infection and delirious from a lack of sleep and all the meds. When I walked into math class, a boy asked if he could sit next to me. In my head I tried to say, "This is college you have the freedom to sit anywhere you want." All that came out was, "Freedom… everywhere." FML
Today, my girlfriend cheated on me, and for the second time in two days. She has now cheated a total of 7 times in the space of 6 months. FML
Today, date night with my boyfriend. I had my makeup done, fake lashes, etc. He was staring at me and I thought, "Oh, he loves how my eyes look" so I started flirting a lot, fluttering my lashes. We then took a pic and saw my lashes were falling, so I asked, ”Were they like that the whole night?” He replied, “Yeah, it looked weird.” FML
Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my, Grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like role-play in bed. FML
Today, the dean of the university I go to delivered a DoorDash order to me. FML
Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML
Today, I’ve been bricking it about telling my mom I’m pregnant but aren’t getting married to my boyfriend. My mom has a big thing about marriage. Then grandma told me mom’s just a hypocrite, because she got pregnant not only wasn’t she married, they had to do a DNA test to see who was my dad. FML
Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. As I was leaving, the receptionist told me to "have a nice day" and I replied, "You too, love you!" then I went back home and roasted in the embarrassment for an hour or two. FML
Today, I listened through the wall while my boss had phone sex with his side piece. His wife works down the hall from us, she's the worst, so I have no ethical issues with explaining to her that he "has an appointment." FML
Today, and over the last week, I’ve spent about 10 minutes with my wife over 5 separate occasions because she is married more to her job than to me. And if anyone is interested those 5 occasions were unromantic sex because we’re trying to get pregnant, then straight back to her laptop to work more. FML
Today, I encouraged my boyfriend to get out of the house more often. So he did. He went out on a date. FML
Today, it's been twelve years, seven months, and fifteen days since my wife has wanted sex. She was drunk. She no longer drinks. Guess my name is Job now and I have to be patient. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Not only I had already been on a date with the guy before, we'd also had both forgotten about it until halfway through the dinner. FML
Today, I was rejected from my dream job because my interviewer googled me and one of the images that comes up is a pic of me sunbathing nude in my own private garden. That pic isn’t one I took, it isn’t on my Facebook or anything, I have no f**king idea where it came from or who photographed me. FML
Today, I binge-watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting and now I'm not sure what day it is. FML
Today, I flicked the bean so hard I fainted. I was in the shower and ended up coming to a few seconds later. I’m now too traumatized to use my vibrator. FML
Today, I was singing in the shower and my neighbor called the police because they thought I was in trouble. FML
Today, I was arguing with my husband and he screamed at me to the point of tears. He asked, “Why are you crying? Last night we had rough sex where I spanked you, threw you around in bed, called you names, and you enjoyed that shit.” FML
Today, while I was waiting for my train, a drugged out dude found it apropos to tell me women should be eaten like livestock, because they would, "probably be delicious." I'm a woman. FML
Today, I tried to take off my hoodie. Somehow my shirt came off with it, leaving me shirtless in public, as I sheepishly tried to put it back on. Not only were people staring, but there was a mother covering her son's eyes. FML
Today, some asshole superglued ten rubber ducks to my car while I was at work. FML
Today, my mom had a fit and confessed that my grandfather is also my father. Apparently, I was the product of a rape and she further confessed that she was going to abort me but chose not to, and she regrets her decision. What caused this conversation? Me watching the season 4 of "You" without telling her. FML
Today, I found out that I’m not the father of my “son” but I'm his uncle. The only thing my wife did was to shrug and say, “Shit happens.” FML
Today, while buying lottery tickets, I mixed up "jackpot" and "scratch off" and asked for "$10 worth of jackoffs." FML
Today, I was singing and drumming on the steering wheel in my car while stuck in traffic, only to realize the car next to me was full of my carpooling coworkers, all staring at me in disbelief. They spent the day at the office requesting songs. FML
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