Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband in our room completely naked. At first I thought he was waiting for me so we could have sex. He hadn't seen me yet, so I started to undress too to surprise him. Then I saw that he had drawn a face on his penis and he was talking to it. FML
Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML
Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML
Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML
Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML
Today, my dad came out of our hotel bathroom with nothing but a wash-cloth over his crotch and said, "Look! This place has cotton loincloths!" in front of my wedding party. FML
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