suicidal_narwhal

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I saw a video of myself filmed last night, hammered, climbing my wardrobe screaming, "I WANT TO GO TO NARNIA" while naked. FML

Today, I was doing my homework on the computer when my dad walked by with a plate of food, threw his fork at me, and said "POSTURE!" FML

Judge not lest you be judged, my friend

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML